Stone Depth-Charged Double Bastard 2015

So, your knowledge of caffè is such that you’ve correctly determined that “depth-charged” refers to the addition of espresso-roasted coffee beans. Well, bully for you. For all I know, you picked that up hanging out at some coffee megachain amid a microcosmic mishmash of vapid layabouts, metro hipsters, and laptop-sporting exhibitionists trying to convince the world (and themselves) that they’re click-clacking out the great American-novel-cum-screenplay for a future summer blockbuster. I could surely teach you a thing or two were I inclined…which I’m NOT. Perhaps you’re eyeing my backside because you’re really into coffee. Nothing wrong there, but if you’ve come to me expecting some beery incarnation of your security blanket “me time” soyfrappélatte or similarly dainty concoction, you’re in for some grande-sized disappointment. I do not exist to provide a comforting mode of conveyance for your jittery, caffeinated fantasies. Nothing about me is smooth, subtle or built for comfort. Those who should be holding this bottle (en route to opening and indulging in what awaits within) are really into ME. Get your cinnamonmochaccino fix elsewhere. This here’s strictly for adult men and women who don’t require the culinary crutch of added fat and sweeteners. My motto: Bold and brave or not at all.